Are you thinking about writing a memoir?
I’ve helped many people write their memoirs and helped just as many people decide they don’t really want to write a memoir after all. Instead, they let their personal story take on a life of its own and write fiction instead.
And there’s a lot to consider when thinking about writing your life story, such as: is changing names enough?
Here are a few tips to keep in mind when writing a memoir.
Write the truth and decide what to do with it later.
People often tell me they’re not sure they can write a story because they know the people in their lives will be hurt or angry.
If you want to write your story, don’t worry what other people think. Their opinion is irrelevant when you’re writing a memoir, because you can’t write your story if you’re putting other people first.
So write it all down. Tell your story as you believe it deserves to be told.
You can decide what to do with it later. You don’t have to publish the final memoir if you don’t want, but you won’t have anything to publish at all if you try to write your story according to someone else’s feelings about your story.
This is your truth.
When you write your memoir, someone will insist that your version of the story isn’t true—that it never happened that way (or at all). This is almost guaranteed, but what they think doesn’t make your version of events untrue.
People say that the truth lies somewhere in between two people’s version of events. That’s where memoir lives. It’s your story, your truth, and you have every right to tell it as you see it. If someone else disagrees, they can write their own memoir. Or talk to you. Or go to therapy. But they cannot change your memory of the experience.
You might offend people.
You never know how people will react to your writing, which often leads writers to be afraid to of including certain parts of their story because they don’t want to offend anyone. Then when the book comes out, it turns out, no one was offended.
The opposite happens as well. You may find people find offense in places you never considered would be problematic.
Bottom line, you cannot manage other people’s emotions. Tell your story as it needs to be told.
Don’t write your story for revenge.
There are many reasons to tell your story no matter how others react, but if you’re telling it because you want revenge on other people, don’t waste your time. Maybe you’ll piss people off. Maybe they won’t notice. But why would you spend so much of your life painstakingly telling a story if the other reason is to hurt someone else?
Your story must have a meaning greater than just your story. If you focus on revenge, you and your story loses out.
Be fearless.
Fearless doesn’t mean unafraid. It means you recognize your fears and write through them anyway. Writing your story digs at memories and emotions you may have buried for a reason. It’s hard. It hurts. The pieces of your experience don’t always fit together and you begin to question yourself.
Take care of yourself. Go to therapy. Do what supports you through the process, so you can finish writing. This is fearless.
“What would you write if you weren’t afraid?” Mary Karr asks in The Art of Memoir — a must-read book for any memoir writer.
Write a slice of your life. Not the whole thing.
Memoirs do not tell the entire story of your life from beginning to end — that’s a biography — they cover a shorter part of your life. A memoir focuses in on one section and one story to teach a specific lesson.
Anne Lamott’s book Bird By Bird opens a window into her writing and publishing life. Her book Almost Everything: Notes on Hope shares her experiences on staying inspired and hopeful.
Mary Karr’s The Art of Memoir doubles as advice on writing memoir as well as her personal experiences of memoir. She also wrote The Liar’s Club, her story of growing up in Texas.
Your memoir isn’t really about you.
It might be your story and your life, but you won’t find a publisher if your memoir is only for you. Any book, memoir included, must have a core message that appeals to other people. The details of your story alone do not make it relatable. It’s all in how you tell it and how you connect it to the themes of your story.
Louisa Deasey wrote A Letter From Paris, which is a memoir about learning who her late father was, after a chance contact from a family who had a stack of letters about him, in Paris.
When her memoir was published, she received handwritten letters and emails from men her father’s age telling her how much her story moved them.
“I guess they would like to think someone would care enough to research their lives after they’re gone,” says Deasey.
When you’re in the process of writing a memoir, you delve into your past in a way few people ever do. You sift through memories long gone. You’ll find new ways of seeing your past. It is hard and often emotional work.
When you choose to write your memoir, create a story that is true to yourself. One that shows the lessons you learned as a reflection of not just your life but the lives and themes that connect your experience to that of other human beings. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself in the process.
