This piece began as a challenge. The UK’s Spectator hosts the Shiva Naipal Memorial Prize for travel writing. They want something original, not hackneyed or full of cliches. So to that end, they posted a list of words and phrases that should never appear in travel writing.
My first thought? I’m going to write something using ALL of them.
In the spirit of the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest that asks you to write the worst possible opening line ever, I set forth on my plan. The goal? To frame these cliches differently than you’d normally see them. I want to earn the words I use and make you think, yeah, I’ll buy that.
As a challenge to you, enter the contest. Unfortunately, only humans under the age of 35 are eligible to enter (BOO!), but since I’m always going on about pitching and submitting, if you fit their list, go for it.
Or try your hand at your own terrible travel writing using all possible cliches and stock imagery.
Without further muck about, I give you….
When Your Legs Get Spindly, It’s Already Too Late
Bocas del Toro, an archipelago of islands just off the Caribbean coast of Panama holds a certain je ne sais quoi for travelers. Bocas maintains that unique balance between relaxing beach vacation and the gritty edge of a foreign cop thriller. It all depends how long you stay.
I had the distinct pleasure of living there for four months.
Getting There
There are two ways to arrive. The first. You take a bus up to Almirante or Changuinola on the mainlaind, then catch a small boat at the almost unrecognizable dock. As you climb on the little lancha, you immediately realize you have left the modern world behind as water spills over the edges and onto your shoes. “There are too many people in here,” you think to yourself in alarm. “Am I going to die?” Thus you leave dry land and make your way to Isla Colon, the largest of the populated Bocas Islands.
You can also fly. Bocas has its own tiny airport. The first time I visited the airport was for a football game. Local teams use the runway when no flights are expected. The second time, we flew back to Panama City. I entertained myself watching a little blue grab squattle its way across the floor while we waited for our flight. Occasionally, a stray dog would saunter in, bat the crab around, then go on its way.
They have since remodeled the airport.
Getting Around
Walking. Taxi. Rent a bike. Or take a boat to one of the nearby islands.
Insider tip. Find the public boat dock. You’ll have to ask someone where it is, because all I can tell you is there’s a little path leading to the water. You’ll pay significantly less per boat ride, usually a shared boat, than if you ask at the main dock.
A Brief History & Overview
Bocas’ unpaved streets teeming with shoeless surfers and bus-tired backpackers has given way in recent years to retirees and real estate development.
Our first week in town, we met expat Ralph H, an ex-Navy Seal who settled in Bocas at the advice of his doctor. He needed a life with less stress.
“it’s changed a lot,” he explained. “We had the surfers then, but not as many. People came to Bocas to escape something. Late at night, you could hear the pop popping of guns all around you,” he recalled with a gleam in his eye. “This used to be the Wild West.”
Now, people are still looking to escape, but they’re more looking for a tropical tranquility where they can spend their golden years instead of needing a place to hide from the law.
Now, people are still looking to escape, but they’re more looking for a tropical tranquility where they can spend their golden years instead of needing a place to hide from the law.
Bocas is a city of contrasts. Yes, it is beautiful. The sky and water seem pure, but they are jaw-droppingly filthy due to a stunning lack of foresight in waste management.
You’ll also notice a vast chasm between locals and the visitors who come to stay. On many of the islands, most people know each other. They’re possibly even related. Kids run from door to door, visiting family, friends, and if you want to find someone, just ask for him by name. Someone will know where he is.
Most visitors aren’t quite as comfortable with people peeking in their windows and walking in the front door, opening the fridge, then complaining when you don’t have any candy.
We rented a rustic wooden cabin on the untrammeled Carrenero island, just a short boat ride from Isla Colon. There are no roads on Carrenero, not even a path to ride a bike, and truly you could spend your days in luxurious barefoot happiness.
The beauty of Bocas is deceptive. Yes, it is easy to be seduced by powder-white beaches. The clear blue sky and azure waves create a romantic image of nights being lulled to sleep by nothing but the sound of lapping waves and waking in the morning to a chilled out breakfast by the water served by a smiling staff.
Photo by Jose David Levia
I learned quickly that paradise is an illusion that soon evaporates.
What To Do
Go to Isla Carrenero and ask for ET Ruiz. You may have to run from house to house until you find him, but word of mouth will bring you to him eventually. Ask him to take you on a tour.
He can take you to the Zapatillas Islands, two shoe-shaped islands about 45 minutes from Bocas. ET is a lovely person and honest. Whatever he charges you will be a fair price. Don’t show yourself to be an asshole by haggling with him over a few dollars.
Oh, and bring a picnic. There’s nowhere to buy food or drinks on the Zapatillas. ET may ask a friend or his kids to tag along with him. Make sure to have enough food to share with everyone.
Another favorite activity of mine in Bocas. Renting kayaks. They can be dazzlingly overpriced, but it’s worth it when dolphins swim beside you as you paddle through calm waters.
Where To Eat
The coffee and roll place. I’m really sorry. I don’t remember where it is, but if you ask around, you’ll find it. Small little hole in the wall bakery. Doesn’t look like it’s much, but they have really excellent cafe con leche and rolls. We went there many mornings after dropping Lila off at school.
The surly Argentine sandwich guy. You can find him in his old metal trailer. When I was there, he was on the second main cobblestone street around the corner from Mondo Taitu hostel. Last I heard, he moved to just off the town square.
He offers three mouth watering choices of chicken, milanesa and vegetarian. Some suggestions: Let him prepare it as he wants, always get the large sandwich and ask for salsa piquante. Throw in a couple complimentary comments about Maradona and Messi, but don’t expect a smile. Just take your sandwich and go.
Ohm Restaurant. Best breakfast anywhere. It’s a bit on the pricey side, but worth it, particularly since it’s big enough for two. I would consider going back to Bocas just for this breakfast, but then, I admit to being a bit of a breakfast freak.
What To Avoid
It takes some time to accustom yourself to the rustic nature of living on this island. Unless you have a rain water catchment system, all water comes from the main island and has a distinctly steamy quality to it. You might find the light amber color of the water a bit alarming as well.
Avoid constant stomach upset and buy your own water. If you absolutely have to drink the water, remember to boil it for 10 minutes. You can also add a bit of honey to mask the taste and try to trick yourself into believing that the water is that color because of the honey.
One night, we returned from dinner on the main island to find no water at all. We called upstairs to the property manager who lived in the same house but the level above us. Bodie, let’s call him, began work each day at 5am and finished by 4pm. Then, he pulled out a full bottle of authentic island seco, a cheap cane alcohol that can also serve as paint thinner, and began drinking. By the time we called him that evening, he was well through the bottle and could barely stand.
Next thing you know you’re sucking pipes at 9pm and squawking on and on about how your ex-wife screwed you over when you were in jail for drug smuggling.
Bodie walked in, unscrewed the washer from the kitchen tap and began sucking on the pipe. We assumed it was the alcohol talking, but that, indeed is exactly what you need to do in order to pull enough pressure from the tank to release the air bubbles and allow the water to run freely again. He made believers out of us that night, that even completely drunk, a person can still function.
I met plenty functional alcoholics and drug users on those islands. It was a joke among some of the locals — well, the expat locals — that at any time of year, you can find people in all stages of alcoholism. You know they’ve reached the end when you see spindly white legs poking out of faded hole-infested shorts.
You can see how it happens, too. Backpackers arrive, spend their nights drunk and partying, maybe they take up Mondo Taitu’s challenge to drink 100 beers during your stay. Next thing you know you’re sucking pipes at 9pm and squawking on and on about how your ex-wife screwed you over when you were in jail for drug smuggling.
Pedophilia
Yes, as you’re enjoying your beach vacation with fresh lobster, shade your eyes from the sun so you can better see an older man wearing a cleanly pressed suit pass in a small motor boat. A young Panamanian woman sits quietly with him. Meet your local pedophile. This particular man lead to many a drunken conversation about the true definition of pedophilia.
“If a girl is willing and she’s past puberty, why is that bad? Maybe she’d rather have sex with a rich old man instead of spending hours cleaning someone’s house,” asked Nigel our neighbor. At what age does it stop being pedophilia? Fourteen? Sixteen? Or is it just disgusting and perverted?
Healthcare
My best advice is to bring your own first aid kit including antibiotics and entirely avoid the hospital.
Noah cut his foot badly on coral while doing fish research with the Smithsonian Institute. We made the mistake of going to the hospital. They gave him antibiotics, stitches and four days later we had to airlift him back to Panama City where he spent a week in the hospital with sepsis.
The joke goes, the hospital is next door to the morgue which is next door to the cemetery, because that’s the path you’ll take if you you’re dumb enough go to the hospital. Most people just fend for themselves, and quite frankly, aside from some scarring, they’re alive.
Serial killers.
Not kidding. This is one nightmare you never expect.
While there, we met a guy named Wild Bill. He was known for being big, loud and throwing even bigger and louder parties. He sold real estate.
Turns out, he killed people for their land. We never drank enough to be invited to his parties, which, wow. Thank God! Soon after we left, he killed our landlord Cher and stole the deed to her land.
If you don’t believe me, and I’d totally understand if you didn’t, here’s ABC Nightline outlining Wild Bill, his wife and their antics in Bocas.
That house on the water at about 2:17 into the video with the Villa Cortez sign in front? That’s where we lived. Shudder.
You simply can’t make this shit up.
My Best Moments
I was a bit traumatized by my time in Bocas, yet it was not all bad. Not at all. There were many quiet moments, the kind of yes, this is where I want to be and no where else moments that Johnny Vagabond describes so well on his blog.
Catching frogs on Bastiementos Island.
We joined our neighbor Cory to help her catch the little red, green and yellow frogs you find only on those islands. She wanted to mate them for research. We didn’t find many frogs, but it was endless fun tromping around in the rain, getting soaked and jumping to catch them.
Photo by Jose David Leiva
Lila’s birthday at the Tangerine School
Keren, an incredibly smart and well-traveled Israeli woman, owns Tangerine. She hires some of the best teachers Lila has ever had. They employ really forward thinking philosophies on education and truly love the kids. I’m still in touch with a few of them.
We brought to school a box of cake mix and a book on the birthday. The kids made the cake. We showed up, read the book, played games and snacked on Duncan Hines chocolate. Every kid celebrates this way, which means no one knows if one kid’s family has more money than another. Simple.
Time with awesome people
Melissa, an Italian friend of mine, invited me to her house for lunch to meet her new baby. Melissa’s mom, a wonderful and very Italian woman, also visited. The three of us ate a long leisurely lunch of small courses and drank lots of wine, as Melissa’s mom told us of past loves and exploits in Italy. The baby slept. The wind and sun were perfect and life was beautiful.
It is absolutely breathtaking to drink your morning coffee with a ray or small colorful squid dreamily floating along in the water beside you.
Bocas taught me that paradise is only paradise for a short time, and summer’s lease has a short date even when living on a tropical island that knows no winter.
Afternoons, we walked shoeless down the island past crabs, restaurants and small resorts to a beach that looked out only to sea and more sea as far as the eye could see. Along the way, we picked up bits of priceless treasure thrown up by the water. We brought them home to make art projects.
At night, we sat on the dock under the stars, watched the lights on the main island flicker to the beating of reggaeton.
Bocas taught me that paradise is only paradise for a short time, and summer’s lease has a short date even when living on a tropical island that knows no winter. Eventually, the sand becomes corrosive, the salt eats holes in your clothes and the sun burns.
Still, it is mostly good moments I remember when I think of Bocas. Those timeless, weightless days when there’s nothing much to do but sit in the sun or walk on the beach, and your plans are never ruined, even when it rains.
