Why you need to redefine these 5 useless words right now

You cannot write if you live your life by someone else’s definition of a word. When your words are not your own, you can’t tell your own story.

It’s time to redefine these five words and change the way you see your work.

Aggressive

This is when you’re pushy. You say what you’re not supposed to say. You cross lines, breach borders and are altogether strident. In most cases, it likely means someone thinks you’ve done something wrong. I believe we need to speak our truths. We need to share our opinions. We need to push beyond the boundaries already set if we want to find new ideas. Be aggressive, I say.

Bitch

My dog Pipa is the quintessential bitch. I learned what the word means from her. When our other dog, Mani, a great big golden Labrador tries to take her place on the mat, she pulls up her lips baring red black gums with a great menacing growl. Mani slinks away. There was room for him, she just said no.

She can be lovely too when she wants to, she just doesn’t want to.

She holds her space. Her place. She knows what she wants and she gets it. I admire her for it.  I think we can all learn from her.

Should

“You really should write [fill in the blank] book.”

“You really should teach.”
You really should go back to school, get a job, cut your hair….” blah blah blah.

I cringe when I hear the word should. Should is the sound of impending compulsion. It’s what someone else thinks is best for you but rarely takes what you want into account.

Even when people are well-meaning, even if they truly have your best interests at heart, should is a misguided statement of caring because it centers someone else’s needs and not your own.

You might be wrong, but no one succeeds every time and failure is part of learning. Besides, you might very well know what’s best for yourself.

Selfish

Selfish simply means you put yourself first. Selfish often means you’ve told someone no and that person doesn’t like it. They want you to put them first.

The people in your life who have your back, might initially be angry when you set this boundary, but they’ll eventually understand. Those who don’t? Well, their happiness is not your responsibility. If a family member or friend can’t understand that you have to take care of yourself first, then they don’t deserve to be put first in your life.

Go ahead and be selfish. Sleep an extra hour if you need it. Take a shower instead of rushing to help. Say no when you need to safeguard your time and your energy. And when someone in your life tries to tell you you’re being selfish, you can say, “yes, yes I am.”

Perfect

There is no such thing as perfect. You will never obtain it no matter how hard you try. You can spend a lifetime trying to achieve perfection and you will have wasted your life, because perfection is a specter, an imaginary creature designed to keep you chasing, rushing, running in circles and never reaching your destination.

Instead of perfect, let’s talk about finished. You finished a story. You sent out a pitch to an editor. You applied for a grant or job or residency that makes your soul sing. These are the kinds of work that lead you toward your ideal writing life.

Perfection simply distracts you.

There are many other words I’d like to redefine in our cultural lexicon, too. Shame. Busy. Failure. Let’s shake them up, change them into something new. Instead of words telling us who we should be, we can change them to be self-supporting and open us endlessly to the act of creation.